


How to Piss Off Hijikata Toushirou

by Ki_no_Shirayuki



Series: 刺し子 — Sashiko [5]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Character Study, Crack, Cultural References, Gen, Humor, Japanese Culture, Lists, POV First Person, Sei Shōnagon is facepalming in her grave, Snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 07:30:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10680612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ki_no_Shirayuki/pseuds/Ki_no_Shirayuki
Summary: Things I detest as much as the grocery store's running out of mayonnaise.TW: natural disasters.





	How to Piss Off Hijikata Toushirou

**I was surfing** the web the other day and I saw an okonomiyaki chef complaining on Twitter about people who requests extra mayonnaise. Dude, you are the worst okonomiyaki chef to ever exist. Scums like you who fail to understand the sublimity of mayonnaise should be purged from the culinary world.

 **The fact that** I literally have booby traps set up in my bedroom in order to prevent Sougo from killing me in my sleep.

 **Speaking of Sougo,** apparently his and my voice actors have been cast as frigging _brothers_ in this [game](https://www.onmyojigame.jp/m/home.html). This has given him another reason to try and assassinate me.

 **No matter how many times** I convince Kondou-san, he wouldn't stop his obsessive pursue of that psycho _yandere_ woman. Luckily he hasn't been slain yet.

 **Stupid fangirls** who cause troubles solely for the purpose of being caught by the Shinsengumi.

 **I swear** heads will roll if I see that idiot saying _anpan_ or swing that badminton racket one more time.

 **I absolutely dread** the end of year when the Shinsengumi hold a mochi pounding ceremony and Sougo always keeps trying to re-enact the [Tale of the Crackling Mountain](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kachi-kachi_Yama) i.e. push me into the mortar. Somebody please be the hare and burn the shit out of him already.

 ** _Kaiseki_ restaurants.** Aside from the fact that mayonnaise never seem to exist in these places, those insufferably long dinners we have to have with the Shogunate's people and Amanto ambassadors etc. especially with Sougo right next to me is pure torture.

 **The times** I'm pretty sure Katsura is dancing right before my eyes but my superior refuses to let me arrest him.

 **All the times** I get locked up with the silver-head bastard in the most cruel of ways and everybody interprets that as a sign of luuuuuv. No, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people?

 **Nor am I pleased** when people interpret that time Sougo put a leash on me as something other than what it really was.

 **That look** everyone gives me when I put mayonnaise on my _dango_.

 **Few things I loathe** more than those anti-tabacco propaganda posters that are being handed out recently.

 **The fact that** Kondou-san and Sougo never let me cook.

 **Don't you just hate it** when you're about to find out about the end of your favorite TV show and it's suddenly interrupted by an emergency broadcast. Bonus points if said emergency broadcast is of a football match.

 **Earthquakes.** Look, I know everybody hates them, but it's especially painful when there's no mayonnaise around and I can't go buy it — or anything for that matter, because all stores are closed — and I have to hide under a table without it.

 **Every time Yamazaki** does something stupid. No, scratch that, his existence alone pisses me off.

 **That agonizing burp-like noise** Sougo pulled in the first episode of season 2.

 **Seriously,** if the Shinsengumi just stop being a bunch of dumbasses, we'd have caught Katsura long ago.

 **I'm afraid** I'll set something on fire if I hear one more person say mayonnaise doesn't belong in Japanese cuisine.

 **Why does nobody** tell me where I can buy a [mayonnaise-powered printer](http://www.collegehumor.com/post/6898652/printer-low-on-mayonnaise)? It'll have save a lot of money for the Shinsengumi, among other things.

 **The fact** my superior doesn't know who Sei Shōnagon was and apparently doesn't see anything wrong with that. Even Yamazaki knows who she was. Seriously, Kondou-san actually asked, "Oh, Sei Shōnagon was friends with Matsuo Bashō, wasn't she?"

 **Why can't I** get a moment of privacy and not have half the Shinsengumi looking over my shoulder as I write this list?


End file.
